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Wednesday, August 6th, 2003
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we are made to bleed
and scab and heal and bleed again
and turn every scar into a joke
we are made to fight
and fuck and talk and fight again
and sit around and laugh
until we choke
-ani
can someone please tell me how to make this friends-only, pretty please?
today i started shopping for everyone's "going away" gifts. next week everyone (mark,max,alison,amanda,momo,tristan,amy and i) are gonna get together for the first time ever, and say goodbye. i seriously can't remember a time when we were all in the same room at the same time. i just know i want to give some really nice gifts, and that i'm probably going to have to resort to arts and crafts because my last pay check was $13. fuck...i'll miss them.
i'm starting to pack already too. my memory fails miserably when i'm rushed. i tried calling my roommate but got the answering machine. her father's voice sounded militant. hope she's not.
right now i'm listening to the new Dashboard Confessional album before its released, and damn, do i feel special. its really good. this weekend i'm going with mark to a huge comic book convention in the city. kevin smith is going to be there signing, ::signal the angelic music and blinding bright lights:: i'm sure i'll shake and only nod because i'm speechless it will rock my world.
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Saturday, August 2nd, 2003
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I'm home! The first thing I did was run around frantically looking for the mail. I had so much fun looking through 2 weeks worth of mail, you have no idea. I got some ebay goodies, yea!, and a postcard! I also got this whole packet from SVA going on and on about orientation and what not, but the all they told me about my roomate is her phone number, and that her name is Jenna. But the thing is, i'm much too scared to just call her.
I have this feeling the school paired me with a yuppie, homophobic super christian. BUT, I really hope she is nice and smart and pretty and we'll fall madly in love and school will be fun.
Anyhow, I'm so happy to be home.
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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
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God I love my mom when she drinks, which fortunately happens every day on vacation. I'm actually getting along with her really well. Last night we laughed for 10 minutes about chocolate cake.
Last night we had a cook-out at a national park which was more like a swamp. There were actual signs stating that there might be alligators in the pond they let people swim in....comforting. This didn't scare me as a child.
And today I went to the mall, yehaww! I've never been so glad to see teenagers. Bought a couple western cow-girlish shirts, which make me feel wonderfully dykee. I think tonight is Yatzee night, boy oh boy, I can't wait.
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yes,
us people are just poems
we're 90% metaphor
with a leanness of meaning
approaching hyper-distillation
and once upon a time
we were moonshine
rushing down the throat of a giraffe
yes, rushing down the long hallway
despite what the p.a. announcement says
yes, rushing down the long stairs
with the whiskey of eternity
fermented and distilled
to eighteen minutes
burning down our throats
down the hall
down the stairs
in a building so tall
that it will always be there
yes, it's part of a pair
there on the bow of noah's ark
the most prestigious couple
just kickin back parked
against a perfectly blue sky
on a morning beatific
in its indian summer breeze
on the day that america
fell to its knees
after strutting around for a century
without saying thank you
or please
and the shock was subsonic
and the smoke was deafening
between the setup and the punch line
cuz we were all on time for work that day
we all boarded that plane for to fly
and then while the fires were raging
we all climbed up on the windowsill
and then we all held hands
and jumped into the sky
and every borough looked up when it heard the first blast
and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed
and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar
looked more like war than anything i've seen so far
so far
so far
so fierce and ingenious
a poetic specter so far gone
that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling
over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on
and i'll tell you what, while we're at it
you can keep the pentagon
keep the propaganda
keep each and every tv
that's been trying to convince me
to participate
in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution
perpetuate retribution
even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution
is still hanging in the air
and there's ash on our shoes
and there's ash in our hair
and there's a fine silt on every mantle
from hell's kitchen to brooklyn
and the streets are full of stories
sudden twists and near misses
and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters
with tales of narrowly averted disasters
and the whiskey is flowin
like never before
as all over the country
folks just shake their heads
and pour
so here's a toast to all the folks who live in palestine
afghanistan
iraq
el salvador
here's a toast to the folks living on the pine ridge reservation
under the stone cold gaze of mt. rushmore
here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors
who daily provide women with a choice
who stand down a threat the size of oklahoma city
just to listen to a young woman's voice
here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now
awaiting the executioner's guillotine
who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads
to find peace in the form of a dream
cuz take away our playstations
and we are a third world nation
under the thumb of some blue blood royal son
who stole the oval office and that phony election
i mean
it don't take a weatherman
to look around and see the weather
jeb said he'd deliver florida, folks
and boy did he ever
and we hold these truths to be self evident:
#1 george w. bush is not president
#2 america is not a true democracy
#3 the media is not fooling me
cuz i am a poem heeding hyper-distillation
i've got no room for a lie so verbose
i'm looking out over my whole human family
and i'm raising my glass in a toast
here's to our last drink of fossil fuels
let us vow to get off of this sauce
shoo away the swarms of commuter planes
and find that train ticket we lost
cuz once upon a time the line followed the river
and peeked into all the backyards
and the laundry was waving
the graffiti was teasing us
from brick walls and bridges
we were rolling over ridges
through valleys
under stars
i dream of touring like duke ellington
in my own railroad car
i dream of waiting on the tall blonde wooden benches
in a grand station aglow with grace
and then standing out on the platform
and feeling the air on my face
give back the night its distant whistle
give the darkness back its soul
give the big oil companies the finger finally
and relearn how to rock-n-roll
yes, the lessons are all around us and a change is waiting there
so it's time to pick through the rubble, clean the streets
and clear the air
get our government to pull its big dick out of the sand
of someone else's desert
put it back in its pants
and quit the hypocritical chants of
freedom forever
cuz when one lone phone rang
in two thousand and one
at ten after nine
on nine one one
which is the number we all called
when that lone phone rang right off the wall
right off our desk and down the long hall
down the long stairs
in a building so tall
that the whole world turned
just to watch it fall
and while we're at it
remember the first time around?
the bomb?
the ryder truck?
the parking garage?
the princess that didn't even feel the pea?
remember joking around in our apartment on avenue D?
can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design
following a fantastical reversal of the new york skyline?!
it was a joke, of course
it was a joke
at the time
and that was just a few years ago
so let the record show
that the FBI was all over that case
that the plot was obvious and in everybody's face
and scoping that scene
religiously
the CIA
or is it KGB?
committing countless crimes against humanity
with this kind of eventuality
as its excuse
for abuse after expensive abuse
and it didn't have a clue
look, another window to see through
way up here
on the 104th floor
look
another key
another door
10% literal
90% metaphor
3000 some poems disguised as people
on an almost too perfect day
should be more than pawns
in some asshole's passion play
so now it's your job
and it's my job
to make it that way
to make sure they didn't die in vain
sshhhhhh....
baby listen
hear the train?
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Ahhhhhh, the folk festival was SO much fun! Rit and I had a huge argument last night so I spent most of the day by myself. Learned a lot of new music. Everyone danced. Got wicked sunburn on my nose and cheeks from being in the sun all day. Met a few girls, who were all so beautiful. Ani was great and she put out such great energy. I definitely want to come back next year.
I mean, I've had a really great time, that is, besides that fight I had with Rit. We were walking to Chinatown for dinner and it turned into a really bad section. I mean, it wasn't his fault because we were just fallowing the map, but it was really bad...I've never been that scared in my life. I told him I wanted to turn around when I saw it coming, but he sort of forced me to walk through prostitutes and junkies that were all just gawking at us and coming up to us and throwing themselves at us. When we got there I told him how upset I was and that I just wanted to go home but he shrugged it off and we walked through the Chinese market. So on the way back he took me up a few extra blocks up and said it should be fine but it wasn't. It was almost worse but he made me walk anyways, even though I begged him to get into a cab. It was the first I've ever felt that someone I trust and has put me in danger. I couldn't understand why he'd put me in such a bad situation. I kept telling him how scared I was. He had no idea where we were going but he refused to get on a bus or get a cab even though I was about in tears. He tried to tell me it was some life lession or something. But I just lost touch. Then we fought about everything....everything that ment so much to me...and it was bad. We had to walk 3 extra miles because of it.
Things have been weird between us after that, but I'm trying not to let that affect the vacation. Canada is really awesome.
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Had a very interesting travel experiance, but it doesn't matter cause we're here now.
I feel like I'm in a new world, a better world. The have everything here, mountains, the ocean, farms all by one city. The sun is still around at 9:30. The people are kind, and beautiful in a natural kind of way, ......they say "eh." The notice things, like airport tags on your bags or the fact that you are wearing a calculator watch and then they want to talk to you about you. The think the US is the promise land, they are wrong.
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Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
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Anna rocks my world for helping me with my new icon.
Tommarow I leave for Canada, the promise land....I can't fucking wait.
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Today we had to put my dog down because she had cancer. Over the last few weeks she really went down hill. She couldn't keep any food down and then she stopped eating, but I thought she might bounce back like last year. My parents took her while I was out with friends so I didn't know what was happening. I didn't get to say goodbye to my doggie. And when I walked in the door they told me and then mom started falling apart and telling me I didn't even care about Beulah anyways. Ahhhhh. She didn't have to say that just because she was upset.
I mean, I'm not ok with this, you know, she was my doggie for 12 years. But now she won't suffer anymore and so I don't want to be selfish. Just...Fuck
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Kristy: yeah? you want a fucking cookie?
Kristy: just joking
Kristy: in case you're panties are in a twist
PrksOfBnAWalFlwr: no i'm not wearing any
Kristy: thats annoying
Kristy: to tell me that
PrksOfBnAWalFlwr: yeah?
PrksOfBnAWalFlwr: i'm actually wearing white cotton hains her-way, lol
Kristy: thank you
PrksOfBnAWalFlwr: yeah... that can ruin a fantasy
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 You Should Give Your Ex Crabs!Your ex didn't really hurt you, you just dislike certain things about her. Give her crabs and tiny 1/8 inch animals will live inside her pubic hair, making her itchy. Crabs are easily treated with medicine that is put on the pubic hair. What STD Should You Give Your Ex?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
Yeah ok, in a sick demented sort of way I really enjoyed this quiz.
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Saturday, June 28th, 2003
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Went to see anna in the big scary city.....
out of curiosity we spied on a coffee house boy who was making my friend miserable, we played checkers and he was very nice to us.
then we shopped around Halsted and I bought a shirt from 1984 for $2.
we randomly saw my brother and his friends who were coming out of the Cubs game so we stopped and talked for awhile.
got hit on by a religious guy who was trying to get us to buy a book about yoga and karma. he kept touching my arm.
then went sat in a playground and talked about girls for awhile.
got off at the wrong L stop and had to walk pretty far, but still made the train to coffee house.
But the most important part of my day I haven't touched. I saw Ann...yeah. She was waiting for me, I mean the same train. She saw me first, Mark couldn't hide me...couldn't hide me from her. So he tapped me and I turned around and there she was....with boyfriend, the one she wanted instead of me. My heart raced...she gave me a hug. Inside I was screaming " A HUG! YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A HUG AFTER ALL THAT SHIT WE'VE GONE THROUGH." It wasn't a real hug anyway. She looked tiard, washed out, like a junkie. Her boyfriend looked miserable too. But her eyes, they still shine. I wanted to light her on fire and run away so I wouldn't do this to myself. Let her get inside me, her laugh, her smile, the way she looked at me reach that closed off place. Let her presence dominate my memory, like Ani sang. We made small talk until all that was left was the water under the bridge, which weighed down on me. So I went inside and bought my ticket and the train came and she got on the same car as I did so I sat with Emma the sophomore that came to all the Listener's Choice and Prism meetings and we talked and I tried not to notice her out on the corner of my eye. Then Chicago came and her and boyfriend disapeared, and I still felt mixed up and wondering where she went when she got off the train and if i'd see her walking around later and i'd have to do that all over again, but I didn't see her and things with anna went good, but all day I just kept thinking what would it be like if she had wanted me. I'd be hers, if she wanted, but she didn't, and she couldn't be my own, because thats not her style, to be kept, like I had wanted so badly for so long.
But I deal, and I deal with, I deal with it.
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who knew
at this party that
i would walk in and i'd see you
i guess now
we could just get drunk
yeah, and that would be our excuse
you could slip
and outta nowhere
i could be there to catch your fall
and we could laugh at ourselves
and the writing that's on the wall
it's a narrow margin
just room enough for regret
in the inch and a half between
hey, how ya been?
and
can i kiss you yet?
so we talk like
nervous neighbors over a tall fence
true love
but for lack of providence
but i just got one more
thing to tell you
cuz words are vitamins
and life is short
and i know when we get up
to the front office
we're gonna have to fill out
a full report
the first question will be
what were you thinking?
and the nexy question will be
what did you say?
and then they're gonna check to see
if the answerss to one and two
matched up much
along the way
in the interest of poetry
and the cowboy movie
that's you and me
i'm back on the horse now
and i am riding
i am striding so effortlessly
what i mean is
it's late
much too late for us
and i'm fixing to go home
with just my conscience
and a bitter sense of irony
as my chaperone
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Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
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Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.
But why would I want to do a thing like that?
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See, I got a lot of friends around
And they're peaking through nothing new
They see you
They see everything you do
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Went to the Queer is Folk Festival last night. Had an amazing feeling, one I haven't felt for awhile, giddy...happy. Finally met Bitch and Animal and they were so adorable. Didn't say too much but got my cd jacket signed.
Today is graduation, I'm nervous. Aaron is sleeping on the couch and for some reason I'm watching him....gross. He has a weird backwards hat tan/burn line on his face, as well as raccoon eyes. Makes me happy.
Oh yeah, and Pumpkin's been letting me spoon him because I'm lonely. What a nice cat. That's all for now.
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Well, school is out. I'm heading up to Kelly's lake house for a few days to relax.
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Allison gave me this poem a long time ago. Just found it and thought it was nice.
She got out of town
on a rail way New York bound
Took all except my name
another alien on Broadway.
There's some things in this world
you just can't change
Some things you can't see
until it gets too late.
Baby, Baby, Baby
when all your love is gone
who will save me
from all i'm up against out in this world
Maybe, Maybe, Maybe
you'll find something
that's enough to please you
but if the bright lights don't recieve you
you can turn yourself around
and come on home.
I got a hole in me now
I got a scar I can talk about
she keeps a picture of me
in her apartment in the city
Somethings in this world
they don't make sense
SOmethings you don't need
until they leave you
and they're things that you miss
Let that city take you in
Let that city spit you out
Let that city take you down
for God's sake turn around.
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| Time: | 12:22 pm. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. |
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So we're watching One Flew Over the Cuckoo's nest in Analysis of Flim, which happens to be one of my favorites. (Jack Nicholson is absolutely amazing in it.) Ok, so we're down to the last few minutes, the part where McMurphy returns to the ward after his lobotomy, and "Chief", realizing this, decides to strangle him to death. So my brilliant teacher wants to finish the film before the end of the period and decides to fast forward the death scene! Ok WHY!?! It's one of the most important and probably the most dramatic scene in the entire thing and we are watching it in >> and it lost all emotion and was fucking ruined. Made me sad. The bell rang before we could finish it anyway.
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These last two weeks of school have been busy, in a good way. I need to keep busy. At the PRISM picnic I was given the "worlds best husband" ribbon which I have taken a great liking to. Jenny was there and she told me about how she loves college and how she is starting a G.S.A at the local high school in the small town, which I thought was great. Ate KFC (yuk) and about 5 huge brownies.
This afternoon I went to the dentist and got those 3 cavities filled. I don't know how these things happen, considering how much I brush. I even carry around a fucking mini size listerine bottle in case I can't brush. Anyways, my mouth is still sore and numb....I can't explain that either.
Tonight is the awards night for the Glenbard West Art Show. I won $50 bucks for placing one of my photographs, which is cool. I could use the cash since I'm not working too often.
Rented The Rules of Attraction for later. Somehow I can't see James Van whatever as anyone but Dawson from Dawson's Creek. I love Laura......though her "Venerial Disease" book reminds me of something I would do to torture myself.
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teganandsara's journal
tired.